Hi! I’m Despyfur Dawg®, and I’m one of the Creepo Kids®, and we work for the National Agency for Science and Technology! That’s NASTY, for short! Listen I want to tell you all a little story about my fello Creepos and what we’ve been up to lately! If you dig crazy stuff, like, using the internet to look up things, and maybe also, using your webcam to take hidden pictures and stuff, then hey, you might fit in real great with us! Let me introduce you to my Bros- and Sista!
First of all, there’s me, Despyfur Dawg®. I guess I got into this stuff a little off the backend, because I was always real good at math. I guess I wasn’t so hot at English, but that’s no bones to me! (hahaha). My kick is getting and setting algorithms, you know, mathematical formulas that are triggered by words people use when they search the net? Like, terrorism, and surveillance, and drone strike. OK? Kewl!
Anyhow, I’m the guy in charge of the secret algorithms that tell our great NASTY agency just who in America is being naughty or nice, and whether they deserve a break on their income tax, or a drone strike down their Christmas chimney! I dig to play guitar, but since I only played it for a year and I’m still lame, I guess I’m not really as good as I think I am But I do it in my spare time, you see, when I’m not out spy-peepin with my peeps!
So back to them. Along with Turdy Turtle®, who’s he big wizbang in cracking private citizen encryption, we’ve got my hot sista, Kreepo Kat®, she’s the one who figures out hidden codes and passes them up the chain of command to me! She’s kewl too. Her mom and dad set her free and she woke up in an adoption sheltir, she had nothing in life until NASTY came along and made her what she is! She flips houss in her spare time- she says she doesn’t really o this for the money, but cuz it’s FUN! Kewl!
And there is Miraculous Mike®. He’s really the boss. They gave him four stars for beating the crap out of detainees in Iraq, but we don’t hold that against him! He keeps all of us running aftr our tails, though, when we can’t chase terrorists!
Turdy Turtle®, he is sort of the Sad Sack of our Krew. He’s always good for saying some real DOWNER like, “What about the Constitution?” or, “you can’t do that, it’s against the Fourth Amendment!” or some bummer like that. But we need him, you see, becuse everything we do, Miraculaous Mike says is perfectly legal, and we have to have someone to say “we researched it” before we tried it!
But I have to tell ya about one day, because that was the day we got this BIG PLAN handed down to us from Miraculous Mike®. Kreepo Kat® took one look at it and said “WOW! This means we can spy on everyone!”
Then, Miraculous Mike® smiled with a little glint in his eye and said “I know! Don’t you think it would be kewl to spy on the WHOLE WORLD!”
“Awesome!” shouted Kreepo Kat®.
“Kewl!” I said.
“What about the Constitution?” slumped Turdy Turtle®.
“Aw come on, Turdy, that’s old fashioned stuff! Nowadays, keeping the country safe means breaking every law in the doman of God and Man!” Kreepo Kat® really caught the enthusiasm quik!
“What’s God?” asked Turdy.
“What’s Man?” asked Miraculous Mike®.
Anyway, they handed us this plan, and we’re out to do just that, now, with the best minds on it! Spying on EVERYBODY in the ENTIRE WORLD! Don’t you want to be like us, and be a NASTY spy when YOU grow up? Well you can! Just contact your local US Army or other Federal employee recruiter today and ask about NASTY! We’re here to SERVE!
For the inspiration behind this short short, please check out: